Cycle Canceled

My E2 was 28,000. Dangerously high risk of developing OHSS if we go forward. So this cycle is canceled after all the shots, scans and crazy mood swings. I'm definitely crushed but relieved at the same time. I can go back to feeling happy and normal, but I would still love to have a baby. Why does this have to be so hard? When do I say enough?
The Dr said I can try again next month, we'll see how I'm feeling then.
I cried a lot today, I'm feeling broken physically and emotionally. I need to go home and have a nice cuddle with my husband and I'll start feeling better.

Misery

I really don't feel like writing a post, but I think I should document how I feel. I'm depressed, anxious and nauseous. This has never happened to me before during the stimulation stage. I am going out of my mind. I really wish I could just call the whole thing off because I'm sure it's not going to get any better after the egg retrieval, last time I had mild OHSS; it was 7 days of hell. At this moment I feel nothing is worth all this pain, I'm satisfied with my life, why am I insisting on having more?
Tomorrow I go in to check my E2 levels again, if they are too high the cycle will be canceled. Otherwise we will go ahead with the trigger shot tomorrow night and ER on Wednesday. 
I don't feel up to this. This is not a natural state to be putting my body under. God help me get through this.   

Gonal F pen

I had an appointment today at 8:30am when I arrived there were already 7 other ladies in the waiting room, I thought to myself "how does that work?". Its a government hospital, so they tend to try to see as many patients as possible, which means I will usually have to wait an hour or 2 before I see the Dr and my time with the him is very brief. I better remember everything I wanted to ask otherwise I'll be in and out of his office within 5 minutes. First thing is Triage; where they take my blood pressure and weight, as I chatted with the nurse I asked her to check on the results of all the blood work I had done a few weeks back, everything was normal. Then she opened the report from a breast ultrasound I had done - at the time they told me they saw a fibroid but it looked fine- my eyes scanned the report and  fell on the words "Biopsy is Suggested". I was shocked! they told me it was fine, why hadn't anyone called me!? I was so pissed and scared. The nurse said not to worry it's probably nothing, just wait to see the Dr. After that I went for a baseline ultrasound, not sure what they found as the 2 Philippino  ultrasound technicians spoke in Tagalog, I just heard a bunch of numbers. But all I could think about was "what if it's cancer?"

When I finally saw the Dr I discussed the biopsy issue with him, he called radiology, and they said that a biopsy wasn't necessary, that I should check on it again in 6 months, and it will not be affected by the IVF drugs. So I'm kinda relieved but not really.

Anyway, I was prescribed 300IU of Gonal F for 7 days then I go back to check my Estrogen Levels. The Gonal F comes in a pen; I skimmed over the instructions and thought I had it figured out :) so we wipe a small area on my tummy with an alcohol swab and I look away, my husband sticks in the needle and says "the button won't go down" takes out the needle and says "are you sure you read the instructions right?" "ummm no" it turns out I forgot to pull out the plunger hehehe. He sticks me again pushes the button and takes it out, I said "No, you're supposed to leave it in for 10 seconds to make sure it's all in", he sticks it back in AGAIN and pushes the rest in... So there is your lesson on how NOT to use the Gonal F pen :) anyway we got the hang of it, so tomorrow will be better.

Happy side note: My mom and I both had the same dream on the same night! That I had a baby girl. Good sign I hope :)