God burdens not any soul beyond its capacity (Albaqara:286)

Getting caught up life sometimes makes you forget why you're actually here... That's how I feel after having my daughter. She's so much work, and so much fun, and such a beautiful distraction from worshiping God. I know taking care of her, and raising her is a type of worship, but I really lost touch from talking to God, I miss it and I'm not sure how to reconnect.
I recently read somewhere that if you want to know if what you have is a blessing or a test, ask yourself has it brought you closer to God, if so then it's a blessing. But if it has distanced you from God it is a test. At this moment under the dark shadow of my daughter being diagnosed with a rare genetic syndrome, I feel myself growing closer to God again. 
Jude was born with an enlarged toe (Macrodactyly), we thought it was isolated, and just needed cosmetic surgery. Over the past year she has developed a fatty growth on her shin, and we also noticed her right leg is slightly larger than her left. We still don't know what it is, there are a few possibilities, all are overgrowth syndromes and there is no way of knowing how far it will progress. There is also an increased risk of developing Kidney tumors, which is why she will be screened every three months by ultrasound. 
I have been doing so much research, and the images I have come across are haunting me and cannot be unseen. Then a little voice inside me says "everything is going to be ok" and I look at my Jude and see a perfect, healthy and happy little toddler that makes me forget any fear, we will be ok. 
   

Miracles can happen...

After my last IVF attempt was canceled in Dec 2011, I decided to stop trying. The physical and emotional price I was paying was too high. I was content with my life the way it was, but I just needed to go down the IVF road to make sure I didn't look back and regret not trying.

My Dr had told me that with my endometriosis I had a 10% chance of conceiving naturally, but in Sept 2012 I got pregnant naturally,  at my first OBGYN appointment the Dr. did an ultrasound, he couldn't find a heartbeat and said that 95% it's a blighted ovum and would end in a miscarriage. I learned to stop trusting what doctors say, they make mistakes all the time. My daughter is proof that against the doctors "statistics" if it's meant to be it will happen.

My pregnancy was easy, I had a cervical cerclage placed at 12 weeks due to my previous case of Incompetent cervix and preterm labor.

On May 14th 2013, God blessed us with a little girl named Jude. She has filled our days with a joy that is truly indescribable.

So my new life as a stay at home mom is such a drastic change to the life I had before Jude. Some days I miss my corporate job and consider going back,  but most days I try to really live in the moment and enjoy watching her develop and grow. I know in my heart that I can never go back to the corporate world and be away from her for over 8 hours a day. 

So at this point in time I'm really thinking about what to do for me?

 

What's next?

The past 3 weeks have been a journey to feel normal again, from the mood swings of the fertility drugs to the disappointment of the canceled cycle to a week of food poising. I pushed the idea of starting another cycle as far from my mind as possible. Avoiding it as a way of maintaining my sanity, finding all negatives of having children and the positives of staying childless... a coping mechanism I guess.
After having a chat with a good friend she pointed out that I'm a strong, brave woman that has been through a lot and is still smiling. IVF is hard but I can't let that scare me from the end result, the baby I want and will keep trying for. If it's still possible, I should keep trying. I shouldn't let myself get overwhelmed with all the negative hurdles I have to jump, just take it a day at a time.


So I've decided after taking a month break, I'll start IVF again. When I get my period in 2 weeks I'll take the "lepron" shot to suppress my ovaries, then 3 weeks later start IVF drugs.  


God help me and guide me.


Send me positive vibes x

Cycle Canceled

My E2 was 28,000. Dangerously high risk of developing OHSS if we go forward. So this cycle is canceled after all the shots, scans and crazy mood swings. I'm definitely crushed but relieved at the same time. I can go back to feeling happy and normal, but I would still love to have a baby. Why does this have to be so hard? When do I say enough?
The Dr said I can try again next month, we'll see how I'm feeling then.
I cried a lot today, I'm feeling broken physically and emotionally. I need to go home and have a nice cuddle with my husband and I'll start feeling better.

Misery

I really don't feel like writing a post, but I think I should document how I feel. I'm depressed, anxious and nauseous. This has never happened to me before during the stimulation stage. I am going out of my mind. I really wish I could just call the whole thing off because I'm sure it's not going to get any better after the egg retrieval, last time I had mild OHSS; it was 7 days of hell. At this moment I feel nothing is worth all this pain, I'm satisfied with my life, why am I insisting on having more?
Tomorrow I go in to check my E2 levels again, if they are too high the cycle will be canceled. Otherwise we will go ahead with the trigger shot tomorrow night and ER on Wednesday. 
I don't feel up to this. This is not a natural state to be putting my body under. God help me get through this.   

Gonal F pen

I had an appointment today at 8:30am when I arrived there were already 7 other ladies in the waiting room, I thought to myself "how does that work?". Its a government hospital, so they tend to try to see as many patients as possible, which means I will usually have to wait an hour or 2 before I see the Dr and my time with the him is very brief. I better remember everything I wanted to ask otherwise I'll be in and out of his office within 5 minutes. First thing is Triage; where they take my blood pressure and weight, as I chatted with the nurse I asked her to check on the results of all the blood work I had done a few weeks back, everything was normal. Then she opened the report from a breast ultrasound I had done - at the time they told me they saw a fibroid but it looked fine- my eyes scanned the report and  fell on the words "Biopsy is Suggested". I was shocked! they told me it was fine, why hadn't anyone called me!? I was so pissed and scared. The nurse said not to worry it's probably nothing, just wait to see the Dr. After that I went for a baseline ultrasound, not sure what they found as the 2 Philippino  ultrasound technicians spoke in Tagalog, I just heard a bunch of numbers. But all I could think about was "what if it's cancer?"

When I finally saw the Dr I discussed the biopsy issue with him, he called radiology, and they said that a biopsy wasn't necessary, that I should check on it again in 6 months, and it will not be affected by the IVF drugs. So I'm kinda relieved but not really.

Anyway, I was prescribed 300IU of Gonal F for 7 days then I go back to check my Estrogen Levels. The Gonal F comes in a pen; I skimmed over the instructions and thought I had it figured out :) so we wipe a small area on my tummy with an alcohol swab and I look away, my husband sticks in the needle and says "the button won't go down" takes out the needle and says "are you sure you read the instructions right?" "ummm no" it turns out I forgot to pull out the plunger hehehe. He sticks me again pushes the button and takes it out, I said "No, you're supposed to leave it in for 10 seconds to make sure it's all in", he sticks it back in AGAIN and pushes the rest in... So there is your lesson on how NOT to use the Gonal F pen :) anyway we got the hang of it, so tomorrow will be better.

Happy side note: My mom and I both had the same dream on the same night! That I had a baby girl. Good sign I hope :)

The 20 Year old surrogate

In my support group on FB a lovely lady took the initiative to coordinate a holiday gift exchange, I thought that would be a great way to connect with someone that has been or is going through infertility. Yesterday I was assigned a partner, I added her, read her blog and gathered that she was a 20 year old surrogate that has 4 kids. My initial reaction was; No! Why is she in this group anyway?! We have nothing in common!. I know I sound really bitchy right now, I tried to keep an open mind but I feel like I can't take her seriously. The image that keeps popping in my head "Juno". 
I disagree with the concept of surrogacy, apart from all the good intentions, it's basically reproductive prostitution. The negative ethical, legal, social and psychological repercussions  outweigh the positive. I think people who have lost their ability to carry their own child, and want to be parents should adopt. That's just my opinion. 
Sorry for the bitchiness I had to get it off my chest :)